The Journal of Ashendis

"Oh, this guy is just so awesome!"
"Me and this guy are making progress! Can you, like, be my straight gay-boyfriend?"
"If he's single then you have no idea how happy I'd be."

So he makes you happy and you really want to be with him. Oh. Well, okay. I'm glad you can't be happy with me then to even give it a chance.

I swear, I've become everything to these girls except what I've been looking for. I'm such a good friend, and I'm so much fun to be around, but I'm just never good enough to be boyfriend material. I've pretty much become the guy who is told about guys they wanna be with, or the one they complain to when they want a guy to notice them or are having problems with, and I always do my best to help them out while also trying to balance my own stuff out. But when my own problems arise and I can't solve them on my own and ask others for help, or if I ask them if they'd want to take a chance with me instead of struggling with someone they currently have their eyes on, well no, then everything changes.

"I just don't see us working out in a relationship. I think you're cute and I really like you, but I just don't see us working."

Why? I've done what I've had to do. I've helped others and I've taken care of my own stuff. Why is it I am never good enough for anyone? Am I not meant to be in a happy, lasting relationship like I see other people in? How is it the worst assholes around can get the nicest, most precious people to go out with them in a heartbeat? How does that make sense? How is it justified that assholes can get nice girls, but when I'm a nice guy to people, I'm still single with nobody, absolutely fucking nobody, even knocking at my door? How is it deserving that I treat people with respect, and yet that means I'm the one people talk to about their perfect dreamboats?

What more can I do? What more do I have to do? I want what they have. I've fought to find love, and nothing. I want what I've fought for.

Ashendis
"Higher"

Intro
How can she do that to me?
She said she loved me, and she fucking does this shit?
(*the sound of a glass bottle being downed*)
They're all the fucking same.

Chorus
So much desire.
This fire…
But you're a liar.
It's my turn.
Now that I've got you
Right where I want you
I will forever be higher.

Verse 1
How am I supposed to believe you when you walked out?
How can I love you when I can hear you shout
"I love you" when it's not directed towards me?
This gun looks real friendly.
Don't do it. Don't tempt me,
My will is on empty.
My patience has left me
For dead out at sea.
Now my heart is gradually
Sinking.
How'd you expect me to be?
Just accept it? Be happy?
Just nod, smile, and wave like a penguin?
Oh, I see.
I'm sorry I have to be angry.
It's just that it's agonizing
That you couldn't come clean
At the beginning.
Just tell me the truth
And not bubble me up
And make me give a high-flying fuck.
This shit fucking sucks.
I won't take it, won't stand it,
Forgiveness? Not granted.
I've been down that road,
And I know where it goes
So you can from now on walk that shit alone.

Chorus(x2)
So much desire.
This fire…
But you're a liar.
It's my turn.
Now that I've got you
Right where I want you
I will forever be higher.

Verse 2
Remember the time when you said we would be?
What happened? You put other guys before me?
So much for that promise.
I guess you weren't honest.
Uh oh, here we go, excuse me, I must vomit.
(vomit and spit)
There goes our friendship
And there goes that love trip.
You hurt me, you bitch,
And you could have just stopped it.
Have lips of an angel,
The heart of a whore.
But hey, at least that ain't my problem no more.
I feel sorry for him, has no clue what's in store.
And if he wants to know, well I've been down that road.
But now he and you can walk down that shit alone.

(Chorus in background)
Fuck you!
I should have seen it coming, you fucking bitch!
I hate you!
(*a glass shatters, followed by a trip and fall. Music silences. Pants*)
Hon..? Darlin..?
(*sniffles and sobs*)
Oh God…
I don't have anything anymore…
What's the fucking use?
(*a slight shuffle, gun clicks, a shot*)

Chorus (Soft)
So much desire.
This fire…
I'll never know why, but
I miss you.
I love you too much, girl
To me, you're the whole world.
And you make me want to be higher.

Verse 3
What have I done?
I wanna wake up
But my body feels numb.
My chest feels so strung
It feels like I've been shot.
I look to my left, see the smoke from the glock.
Is this all I've got?
Just the pain and the stress and the sound of the clock
As I look back and think on the things I have not?
The dark starts to set on my eyes.
Look to the sky
And I can see your face from on high.
I wanted to tell you how sorry I am
And how much I wish I could be a better man.
Just give me a smile as I breathe my last breath
And I'll be more than set
To face death.

Chorus(x2)
So much desire.
This fire…
I'll never know why, but
I miss you.
I love you too much, girl.
To me, you're the whole world.
And you make me want to be higher.

Outro
I guess I really fucked up, huh…
Just wish I could have said sorry…
(*music slowly begins to fade*)

[This was inspired by multiple people who have fooled me in the recent past, not just one. Just another bit of venting.]

I think I need to stop loving you, and I think you need to stop saying you love me when it will not lead to anything at any time.

*Deep breath*

Heh... I was right.

So long ago, I once said in a late-night conversation that I didn't think I was good enough. And for such a long time, I tried putting it off, trying to convince myself otherwise, and it all just so happened to blow up in my face at the worst possible time. I'm already feeling lonely with so many things going wrong, and now this occurs.

I thought you couldn't do long distance?

Oh, you don't have to anymore, because you moved. And he has a place. So there. Loophole.

I get it. I see it. I understand. And I was right: I'm never going to be good enough.

You said a lot of "I would" and "I wish I could" but, to (at least now) little surprise, it will -not- happen. Ever.

Why did I buy into again? This is the fourth time now. Why am I so fucking stupid? Why? Oh, that's right, cuz I loved you, and love makes you do stupid things, etc. etc. etc.

Yeah. That's pretty much why I -need- to stop loving you, that way I don't find myself falling for the same shit that I have multiple times before.

So, you'd been going out with this new guy for a week before you broke up with the old guy, at least officially. I mean, that's what it says. I just wonder how long you were already loving him when you just decided to drop old boy for new boy and move to be with said new boy.

I'm never going to be good enough, am I? Maybe I just need to stop being so optimistic; maybe I need to stop being so nice; maybe I need to stop giving people the benefit of a doubt. Maybe then I would see it coming.

But it's ok. No, really, I know. You didn't mean to. It's not your fault. It's just how things work. Yeah, I get it, I've heard it for a long, long time now from a lot of people. A lot of people have pulled this, but they were people that I -didn't- really care about. I cared about you. A lot. It's because of that, I thought maybe you wouldn't do that, but... Again, I was wrong.

You were my best friend. What happened? I mean, at the very least, you could have told me instead of bubbling me up. You -know- how I get with that, you've known me for years and have seen and heard how I react to that. It's just... I don't know. Just, what happened? -I'm- not even that bad.

Hmm... I wonder if you'll get mad at this. Maybe you'll get frustrated and annoyed and show it to all of your friends just to talk about how emotional I get, and how embarrassing and stupid it is. Eh, you've done it before.

I really don't know why I congratulated you. I really don't. That was really stupid. Obviously, I'm not happy about the circumstances. I'm happy you're happy, but I am not happy that you're happy with someone else and not me (for the fourth time), but you already know how that song and dance goes.

Yes, I get emotional. Yes, I pour my heart out. Yes, I care. I give a shit. "I give lots of shits." I'm sorry if I supposedly should have seen ages ago that I should -not- give a shit. I'm sorry it took me so long.

So, uh... Yeah. Ridicule and criticize away.

Current Mood: blank
Current Music: "25 To Life"

(based on the song in "The Nightmare Before Christmas")

What's this? What's this?
A chance to win at last?
What's this?
The girl I never had -
What's this?
A chance to win the girl I've loved for many years,
So happy it almost drives to tears,
What's this?

What's this? What's this?
To see her smiling face -
What's this?
It must not go to waste.
What's this?
I don't want to lose her again to another man,
Too great opportunity to be had
At last...
*sigh*
What's this?

Current Location: Home
Current Mood: excited
Current Music: (none)

2008 is then. I went through some incredible times. And then those times passed. I fell in love with possibly the best woman I could ask for. And then I watched her run away in betrayal, shock, and disbelief.

2008. I was a senior in high school / freshman in my first semester of college. I did my first musical with great success. I became the first of my family's generation to get a high school diploma and enroll into college. I was in six relationships. Laurie caused too much drama. Angela could not handle my fast pace. Lauren was probably just a fling. Ashleigh was misled. Jenny wasn't ready. And Lost will never be forgiven. I got played three times. I was cheated on twice. I was denied five times.

2009. I am a new man. I am a freshman in my second semester. I will be a sophomore. I will not have a fleeting heart any longer. I will not tolerate bullshit to the level I used to. I will be more to the point. I will be more honest. I will tell you how I feel. I will not get drunk. I will never use drugs. I will never smoke. I will show you who I truly am and not bullshit with you. I will prove you wrong.

Last year I made a resolution to tell people how I felt about them. I continue that tradition this year, as well.

Marisa: I will keep to my boundaries, just as I always have. Maybe we will have our time, but it is not now. Not yet. Perhaps one day. I hope.

Kari: I've found that I don't think of you as I used to. After that one conversation where you told me you don't think of how we used to be anymore, I thought "Why should I if she does not?" So I do not. We're still friends. I think. But you have not spoken a word to me, really, I've always been the one talking to you. Show me you want to keep the friendship going. Unless Vinny is somehow afraid of something I don't know about.

Lauren: It's just like I've told you: I want you to be sure you're ready before you jump into -anything- with -anybody-, even if it is somehow with me. You've already begun to heal. Do not let up, continue to be strong as you have shown.

Laurie: We're over, so why won't you get over it fully already? Let go. I have. You should do the same.

Ashleigh: I don't know what in the world has gotten into your head, but whatever it is, I hope one day it vanishes. I miss the old you. Bring her back. She was the one I held dear.

Liz: I only have one question for you, that's all: What is to become of us? Think about that and let me know.

Finally, Lost: I can only shake my head at the very mention of your name. We have been through hell and high water together, yet now we stand on opposite sides of the shore. I thought you were my soulmate; I thought our love could never be broken. I thought nothing could go wrong. After everything went down, all I can do is tell myself "No." As if you were a dream that turned nightmare before I finally woke up. You compared me to people that had absolutely no meaning in -our- relationship, and that were so long ago they should not be significant by any means, yet you have the nerve to tell me that -I- am a child? Shame on you. You have the guts to tell me to my face you love me and want to be with me, yet you're snooping around behind my back with him before telling me -anything-, let alone that you're moving away? Shame on you. You knew for months how my heart acts. And you twisted it. You pushed me so hard that you just finally made me snap. And then when you can't handle it alone, you bring your little friends over to take your side without their knowing the full extent of the story. You collapsed under pressure, and then try to make me look like the bad guy because I called your bluff? You know better than that. Or at least I thought you did. I was wrong. But I will be truthful: My heart does linger. It still twitches. I still find myself just checking up on how you are on your myspace page, just to make sure everything's ok. I can't hate you. I can hate what you've done, but I cannot hate you. I can't do it. I hate your boyfriend and his friends to bits, they're immature brats that don't know grammar and don't know how to insult without my bursting out into laughter. But I don't hate you. You don't deserve that, even if you don't return the favor. Oh well.

Tonight, I say hello to my future and goodbye to my past. I will not look back anymore, that life, that cage... Is gone. I will greet potential things that will benefit my life, and turn away from the things that will only detriment me. As for love. I look not on love, itself, but the person and their intentions. My 2008 life... Battle... Prison... Is over. I am reborn in 2009, and I will get back my smile that I lost then. That. Is my resolution: To get my smile back.

Current Location: Home
Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: "What I've Done" by Linkin Park

Nothing will be the same. Where there was once love and adoration, a seething sense of betrayal lingers. Where there was once care, only forgotten memories float around in a void. Where there was once never wanting to leave or let go, a new path is walked on while the chain that kept me to the ball of lies and deceit is now broken.

I made up for my mistakes. I apologized, I changed who I was. She won't make up for this. Neither will she be forgiven for it. And neither this, or anything of the past involving her, will be remembered.

I learn from my mistakes. And holding onto hope of her returning her love one day was a mistake I still learn from. I got played so badly that I couldn't even cry about it, or even be sad about it for that matter. I was just so shocked, so disappointed, that I didn't feel, at first, angry at her but myself for allowing myself to be such a puppet. She had me in between her fingertips just fiddling along with a grin across her face, telling me "You poor soul. You don't know a thing."

Well now I've changed again. I am no longer "A grade-school child" or "being a pussy". You assume and tell me directly to my face that I don't really care about you. You were wrong then. But oh, how right you are now. You wanted me to just move on. It's taken work, some hard feelings, and talking with other people about it, but now: I -have- moved on.

At long last, after ages of being depressed over you, I have a reason to smile again: Because you are no longer, and probably never will, be a part of my life in any form ever again. Don't thank me, the credit is not mine. It's yours. This one's on you. So take a bow, give a speech, and wave to the crowd as the spotlight is finally shut off on you. You are in the shadows of my past, left in the cold dark with an empty audience giving you echoes of what -used- to be. The good days. The days long gone. The days never to return, the microphone and podium giving way to dust, spider webs, and nothingness.

I took time to Realize that your coldness haunted me and killed my past form. The fact you played me and showed no remorse Crashed Into Me like a wave from the Arctic. Through the Time and Confusion I wanted hold onto you, but I know you will not do the same. So be it.

"The day I thought I'd never get through... I got over you."

Current Location: Dorm
Current Mood: Strong
Current Music: "Over You" by Daughtry

I never knew I had that much fury stowed inside. Well, now it's all gone. I got played. And I am no longer in love. Right now I'm just at the point where I'm saying "Love can die in a fire" because this is now nothing new. Every time I fall, I get stomped on. So fuck it. Fuck love. It has gotten me nowhere except aggravated and pissed off. I'm tired of fighting myself for something that always gets skewed and destroyed. I'm tired of fighting period. I'm done.

Current Location: Dorm
Current Mood: annoyed
Current Music: "Won't Go Home Without You" by Maroon 5

I found a song I wrote a long time ago. Don't really feel like going into background. I think it's still pretty bad, but it does ring true for me on several levels. So... What the hell. If it's published and made into a song (BIG THINKING - IT WON'T HAPPEN), woohoo.

Verse 1
"You're gone again.
Off to see new sights and people.
Will I ever see you again?
I sure I hope I do.
You're with a new man.
A man who's better than I ever was.
This wasn't the plan.
But it happened.

Bridge 1
So far away from home and me
But if it's for the best...

Chorus
Then don't look back, only look forward.
Take the chance, and worry no more.
I know that this is the best for you
So I'll wait.
Because I love you as much as I do
I'll wait forever.

Verse 2
Why did things go wrong
Wish I could turn back time and make things right.
It's been much too long.
I miss you.
You're living your life.
Moving on and I'm still here.
I'm filled with strife.
What else is new.

Bridge 2
So far away from home and me
But if it's for the best...

Chorus
Then don't look back, only look forward.
Take the chance, and worry no more.
I know that this the best for you
So I'll wait.
Because I love you as much as I do
I'll wait forever.

Bridge 3
Oh why does this have to happen?
Everything was going fine.
It all blew up, nothing remained
Only me.
And, oh, what used to be.

Chorus
So don't look back, only look forward.
Take the chance, and worry no more.
I know that this is the best for you
So I'll wait.
I'll wait forever for you.

Bridge 4
Ohhhh, gotta tell myself
Don't look back, only look forward.

Closing
Because I love you as much as I do
I'll wait forever.
I'll wait forever.
I'll wait forever.

Current Location: Dorm
Current Mood: apathetic
Current Music: (none)

You know you're in a bad spot when you think, while in bed, about how many of the songs you listen to make you think about some ex you've had in the past. Doesn't matter which ex it is, that song makes you think of them. And it sucks. Because I think when I should have been sleeping, I was thinking, and the lack of sleep made me sick.

But it's true. I hate the fact that I still think about my exes. I shouldn't be and I don't want to but I can't help it.

Help?

Current Location: Dorm
Current Mood: sick
Current Music: (none)

I saw what her status was. And I flipped. I couldn't help it. Well, you know, she told me to fuck off so there ya go, I told her to fuck off right back. Over now. All over. And I'm not looking back.

And I feel fucking good.

Current Location: Dorm
Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: "Time and Confusion" by Anberlin